Appropriate Responses to Douchebag Lines

Don’t get me wrong, most dates go pretty well and most guys are pretty nice. But once in a while, a date goes badly and makes you wish you had chosen to snuggle up in bed with popcorn and Netflix instead.

So here’s to our douchebag defense.

1. I’m really good in bed – I’ll show you a good time.

Response:

Please don’t oversell yourself. I hate being set up for disappointment.

The only thing I’m bringing back to bed tonight is bad memories of this dinner date.

Yeah, I’m DTF. Down to Forget.

2. Honestly, I’m the most eligible bachelor.

Response:

Provide your CPF account statements and I’ll believe you.

So why’re you still single?

And my cousin’s a Nigerian prince. What’s your point?

3. I’m paying for dinner tonight, so now you’ll have to go out with me again, to get the bill on our next date.

Response:

Let’s go dutch tonight.

Don’t worry; I’ll get drinks later so we’re quits.

4. I don’t really like the outfit you’re wearing tonight.

Response:

Well, I like it. And I didn’t dress up for you.

And I don’t really like the date I’m out with tonight.

I figured there was no point in dressing up tonight since I’m only meeting you.

5. Are you sure you want to be eating so much carbs?

Response:

Yeah, I need the energy to keep me going if I want to survive this date with you.

You won’t believe how much it’s taking out of me to be sitting here listening to you.

6. I read people really well, so I’ve got you pretty much figured out.

Response:

Have you figured out how bored I am right now?

Great, I’ll pass you the number for my therapist. You guys can talk it out.

And I’m starting to figure out how this night is going to end. Not well.

7. Tell me something about yourself. Impress me.

Response:

I have a black belt in Karate. I can impress your face with my fist.

No thanks. If I wanted to work hard for someone’s approval, I’d go to dinner with my parents.