Appropriate Responses to Condom Excuses


Because unless a guy is severely allergic to every kind of condom we have in the market, there really shouldn’t be any excuse to dismiss the use of condoms.

Just remember, the cost of a box of condoms is still much cheaper than the total cost of diapers, milk powder and a lifetime of therapy.

So the next time a guy tries to hit you up with any slew of excuses, hit him back just as hard with any of these condom comebacks.

1. “It just doesn’t feel good.”

Response:

- You should try a condom one size smaller.

- And an unplanned pregnancy feels much better?

- I promise a condom’s going to make you feel much better than an STD will.

- Neither does sleeping alone, babe.

2. “But baby, I’m clean. No STDs”

Response:

- What makes you so sure I’m clean.

- You also said you were 6 inches and you’ve clearly disappointed on that front.

- The only thing I’m catching tonight is an Uber, and I’ll get one right now if you don’t use a condom.

3. “I don’t last as long with a condom on.”

Response:

- Sounds like you’ve got a lot to practising to do.

- Oh sweetie, I get it, but don’t punish me for your inadequacies.

- Hopefully you’ll last longer than this relationship between us.

4. “I’ll just pull out, don’t worry.”

Response:

- And I’ll just pull out of this relationship.

- You’ll have nothing to pull out if there’s no condom involved.

- Yeah I don’t think I’m going to risk pregnancy with how fast you handle your schlong.

5. “It ruins the moment.”

Response:

- Put it on or there will be no moment.

- So does your attitude.

- And a pregnancy ruins our lives.

6. “It’s hard to put it on”

Response:

- Didn’t I tell you to try a condom one size down?

- And it’s hard to put up with your attitude too, but I’m doing it. So put a condom on.

- Alright, no better time to practice then.

- I can wait. I’ve got all night.

7. “Girls are responsible for the birth control. Not the guys.”

Response:

- Clearly, your mother should have been responsible with her birth control.

- Oh, it’s not the pregnancy I’m worried about. I just don’t want to catch any diseases from you.

- You’re right. And abstinence is the best form of birth control with you.

8. “But we’ve had sex without a condom before.”

Response:

- Yes and that’s one mistake I’m never repeating.

- And you can tell I learn well from my mistakes.

9. “Don’t you trust me?”

Response:

- I’m starting not to.

- Yeah, with choosing where we eat, but not with unprotected sex.

- This trust will come when there’s a ring on my fourth finger on my left hand.

- I thought that was clear. No.

10. “I don’t have one with me.”

Response:

- Go get one. I’ll wait.

- Alright, get me fifty bucks for the morning after pill then.

- Guess we’ll just do this another time then.