Tricks to Nailing your First Job Interview
1. When you meet your interviewers:
Touch them more than necessary. A handshake will suffice. There is no need for a lingering hug or a grope of the ass.
Mention anything personal that you managed to find out by stalking them online.
E.g. How’s your mother doing? I saw on your Facebook that she underwent knee surgery the other day.
Show your respect by getting on your knees and bowing.
Ask for a selfie.
Complain about the trouble it took you to find the interview room.
E.g. This place was so hard to find. I took 3 wrong turns and my Uber fare was so expensive – do we get reimbursement for that?
Complain about the waiting time for your interview slot.
E.g. I waited an hour for this interview. My girlfriend’s waiting outside so we can go paktor. Can we hurry this?
Attempt to seduce the interviewers by undoing the top buttons on your top. (This goes out to everyone)
2. When the interviewers ask: “ What are your weaknesses?”
Pull out the Bible and explain that God made everyone perfect, which boils down to the conclusion that you do not have any weaknesses.
Talk about your food allergies and start describing the reactions you get.
Talk about your drunken escapades.
Start a therapy session by going over your personal problems
Brag by describing a completely non-categorical weakness, such as:
1. I am a perfectionist and produce only excellent work.
2. I love to work OT and it’s almost impossible to chase me away from the workplace.
3. I’m too popular- everyone loves me, so it’s hard to get away from all the attention to focus on work.
3. When the interviewers ask: “ Why should we hire you?”
Talk badly about the other applicants waiting for their turn.
E.g. I’m the best out of everyone out there. One of those guys out there talks like he’s got marbles in his mouth, another smells like he just booked out of Tekong, and the last guy walks funny – probably like how your mother’s walking now after her recent knee surgery.
Cry and tell the interviewers that your parents will kick you out of the house if you are unable to find work soon.
Cry and tell the interviewers about the number of failed interviews you have gone for.
Act indifferent to their hiring decision.
E.g. Hire me, don’t hire me. Doesn’t really matter – I’ve got a few job offers waiting at the moment.
Threaten the interviewers
E.g. Limpeh is the Head of the HR department here. He’ll hear about this.
Reply with “ Why shouldn’t you hire me?”
Reply with “ I never liked starving off the streets.”
Reply with “ Because you guys are hiring?”
Show them photos of a graduation photoshoot you recently did, asking them to “hire me leh”
4. When the interviewers ask: “ Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Reply with any of the following:
1. Taking over you
2. As your boss
3. In another company.
4. Married to my girlfriend who’s waiting outside for me right now.
5. Doing another photoshoot to get more job offers.
Attempt to sidestep the question by seducing the interviewers.
E.g. Replying “Married to you” is not a good answer
Try to be funny and reply “In the mirror, like always”.
5. When the interviewers ask: “ Describe yourself in one word.”
Reply with any of the following:
3. Great at following instructions
4. Great at math
6. When the interviewers ask: “ Could we get some references?”
List your mother as a reference.
Tell them to look through your social media platforms and “hit up anyone you want.”
Link hands and lead them in a prayer session in the hopes that God will attest to your perfection.
Reply with “ Wait let me just get my mother to come in. She’s waiting outside.”
Reply with “ Wait let me just get my girlfriend to come in. She’ll tell you all about how great I am.”